COLONIE, NY "A local man was found shopping today at the Colonie Center branch of the popular craft store, "Christmas Tree Shop." According to witnesses, the man simply walked into the store and began perusing the selection. "This is the first time we’ve ever had any male in the store, except for in strollers," said store manager, Beverly Meyers, "and I’ve worked here for 15 years." Upon being questioned, the man, Bruce Davis, 41, of Cohoes, NY, stated, "I found six brass wreath hangers for $8.99! And just look at this nutcracker doll! Only $3.89!" Davis is described by friends as the "fruity" one in the group. They say it is not the first such incident for Davis, who holds a regular job at the local

PLEASE SEE EFFEMINATE, B3

BAKER, KS "Grape Nuts, a common breakfast cereal once thought to have many nutritious properties, was discovered to be the cause of the recent disembowelment of a woman, Dawn Tedeski, 34, of Baker, Kansas. Authorities have been puzzled for weeks, but are now confident they have found the true killer. "This is the strangest case I have ever worked," said detective Blaine Waters, a force veteran of 7 years, "it’s a good thing I’m a Corn Flakes guy." According to laboratory samples, forensic experts still believe that they are a part of a complete breakfast, and "excellent with honey." A spokesperson from Kellogs, Inc. had no comment, but added, "We don’t even make Grape Nuts. I think that’s Quaker."

PLEASE SEE KILLER NUTS, A2

WASHINGTON, DC "President George W. Bush stated in a recent press conference that he cannot find his friend and running mate, Vice President Dick Cheney. “I lost track of him, oh I don’t know, about five or six weeks ago. I thought he was just taking a pee break or something, but that was like a month ago.” VP Cheney, who is currently at the epicenter of a recent earthquake in Stockholm, visiting victims, said in a telephone interview, “I’m right here. I left a note on his desk, I don’t know what the problem is. Christ almighty.” When informed of this news, President Bush replied, “Epicenter? I was down in Florida last week and I didn’t see him once. Look, I got this hat!” White House sources have told us that while they are aware of the absence and location of Mr. Cheney, they will continue to “play along” with President Bush. Aides to the President can keep him entertained with simple objects such as pennies, keys, or “just about anything shiny.” As the president sits in agony, Cheney will continue his visit as planned. “I don’t see why people keep
PLEASE SEE BUSH NEEDS DICK, A5

BALTIMORE, MD - Pharmacists at local Johns Hopkins University made their announcement yesterday to an audi- ence of over thirty thousand, mostly pasty computer pro- grammers, who had heard the intense "internet buzz

PLEASE SEE LOSERS CAN FINALLY SCORE, D6

BERKELEY, CA - It seems that the old addage, and popular bumper sticker, has finally proven true, according to researchers at the University of California at Berkeley. Chief scientist

PLEASE SEE SWALLOWING, D6